Who wears this?

Holiday dresses. They’re covered in more sequins than a Vegas revue, or if not glitter, with which only off-brand prom gowns can compete.

Now that I live in the great frozen north, another issue arises: How are you not freezing in that thing?

holiday dress

Because none of the models are ever wearing tights (if you can see the exact line where your stockings end, that’s for you to find out… after purchasing).

Holiday parties used to mean, “Hey you’re back in town, I’m having some folks come over, why don’t you swing by,” invites from former high school classmates.

My politico buddies are usually resting at this point, recovering from the months-long hangover of some campaign or other. They’ve also all scattered to their home states, so at this point so it’s hard to catch any of them in the Land of Too Many Lakes.

So now, I’ve been invited to a couple of holiday parties with folks I’ve networked with out here. The time has come to find the right holiday dress for me. Get excited.

Shop me with, won’t you?

Now, the average temperature for the Twin Cities in December is about 20°F. I’m thinking, tights, boots, you know, the things you wear when it’s 20°F.

It seems we have gotten ahead of ourselves, though. We should have started with something as simple as sleeves! And not just any long-sleeved dress, because if not you end up with this:

Hey guys, does anyone else feel a breeze?

Totes adorbs! Totes getting pneumonia though. So, OK – I am not just looking for a sleeved dress, but a sealed dress. K. So.

Then we have this little number, military uniform colored and…wait what the hell is on the bottom?

Hey all, yes I’m warm and oh no this isn’t lined with my great aunt’s runner, no.

Besides the sparkly little purse and pine tree color (and shape), it doesn’t exactly scream “Hey! I’m about to get inappropriately wasted in front of the people who just came to hand out business cards.”

You could go with a “maxi” (AKA the full-length skirt, a name lost in time because it wasn’t descriptive enough or something?).


But I was hoping to save this one for an enemy’s wedding. There seem to be a lot of sparkly tube skirts out there.

I’m so punk this whole outfit cost me >$300! #Banksy

Which is great. Because that’s what I need riding up on me and exposing my nylon-covered bottom: Sparkles calling attention to that very area.

I could go with a less restricting skirt situation…

Look how warm it is outside! Perfect for modeling this winter outfit!

…but this is basically what I wear to work every day anyway. Wait! This is cute:

There’s room for a food baby in here!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s out of stock.

Screw it, I’m wearing jeans.


2 thoughts on “Who wears this?

  1. Beta

    I’m glad you chose jeans. If you had chosen any of those ridiculous dresses (a sequin mini skirt, really? How did you even look at that?) I would have made fun of you the entire new year’s weekend.

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